All of Them Witches

There are so many reasons to hate the NY Yankees.

They buy teams and pennants, rather than building with homegrown talent likes smaller market teams. They're super rich, spending more money than any other club in the league. They're cocky and cheesy and their shitty new and totally unneeded ballpark has mob ties and collapsing concrete ramps. Beer costs $11 there.

Here's another reason to hate them though:

Their God damn potato faces!
*
What the fuck Mr. Potato Head? Is this is from all the steroids? Your helmet doesn't even fit, it's like you're wearing an ice cream cup.**

All the fattening babies and Kansas City Royals you eat?

Do your faces fill and expand to compensate for empty spaces where your brains should be?

Christ! This damn tater is the most potato-faced of them all.

Turns out it's none of the above, but in fact the Witch's or Devil's Mark-an indicator the Yankees received from making deals with the Unholy One and presumably from their nocturnal sex parties with him.

Question answered.

*Used to have a better, more starchy picture of Jeter, but the owner took it down.
** You know, those tiny batting helmet ice cream cups you get at games. Those.

Pictures via a ton of websites I stole them from. Sorry!

NYC v PHILA

Broadway vs Broad St.

Cheesecakes vs cheesesteaks

Statue of Liberty vs the Liberty Bell.

Oh, the lazy cliches of World Series sports writing.

While as a general rule Philadelphians hate New York, even the most ardent Philly supporter doesn't delude himself into thinking the two cities are rivals.

NY is the biggest city in the country, its undisputed cultural, economic and media capital.

In all honesty, as cities go, NY has no American rival.

So it was with great amusement that I have followed the customary attacks on Philly from the NY press.

The Daily News, took the condescending but tongue-in-cheek, aren't they cute, those silly bastards think they can actually win the World Series? approach. (Um, we did win it last year guys.) Rather than interview brilliant, man-on-the street New Yorkers, the News sent someone down to Philly to ask why we're the better city. Turns out we're more polite and we have four PBS stations. Take that NY!

The Post, paid FOUR (Additional reporting by Amber Sutherland), four people to write some lazy hack job about Philadelphia, cheesesteaks, and Rocky.

The piece felt like it was written in 1976. We have no restaurants, we're obsessed with "Rocky" and cheesesteaks. Wow guys. I don't even have the energy to tackle how moronic this article was, but I'm oddly flattered the Post needed four reporters to attempt to put Philly in its place. Someone also made fun of us for eating hoagies, rather than heroes. Dude, heroes suck balls. I'll happily admit that NY wins when it comes to sandwiches of the Jewish deli kind, but when it comes to Italian meats on long rolls, hoagies are number one. Yes, I am having this conversation.


Not as strange, but still amusing was the supposedly neutral AP's take on the series. They at least mentioned baseball, noting that the teams are extremely well matched. The difference they argued, lies in the fan base. Yankee Stadium is packed with celebrities, where as according to the AP, the best the Bank can muster is Kelly Ripa.

Honestly, I don't pay enough attention to these things to know whether that's true, but I also don't care. Philadelphia's one of the greatest cities in the world, but unlike NY, it's not a celebrity hotspot. Good work AP.

I take great solace however in the fact that the Yankees are the definitive evil here. They're not last year's Rays, boring, but hard to hate on a personal level.

This time it's a team built largely through the farm system and smart trades, versus a team consisting almost entirely of free agent superstars. The Yanks have baseball's biggest payroll and the Phils baseball's seventh biggest payroll.

Oh and the Switzerland in this fight, the Newark Star Ledger, declares Philly the better city, so take that!

I want a hoagie.

(For a coherent take on Philadelphia sports, myths and more, please see this)

Try Kitten Mittens

I...Just...Don't Understand

This fucking twins story from the Times.

Deadspin paints a very sympathetic picture of them. Maybe they're not so bad? I just don't understand why earnest, but unspectacular people-I know they are twins!-is a fucking story in the NY Times.

Talking baseball, 4 eva Dodger Blue

Oh the sublime horror. My two favorite teams are playing each other in the NLCS again.

Below is my post describing my joy and misery regarding this very scenario last year:

Friday, October 17, 2008

Can't Call it Cheating, She Reminds Me of You

As many of you know, despite being born and raised in Philadelphia, I am a life-long Dodgers fan.

My dad's a Dodgers fan and his dad was a Dodgers fan and I assume his dad was too, though he probably only spoke Yiddish and Russian and had a fur hat.

As a kid I actually hated the Phillies because the only times I ever saw the Dodgers play was against them. They always lost no matter what and thus I came to associate the Phillies and their fans with pain and suffering. I have the image of a girl about my age doing that dance when you hold your nose and pretend you're underwater, celebrating a Phillies score, seared in my memory. I must have been ten. I have no idea why this is.

As I grew older and got more into the other Philadelphia sports teams-my dad is chiefly a baseball fan-my interests wandered to the Phillies as well, though strictly only as a second team.

They are easy to follow as I read the Philadelphia sports press.

Twice a year the Dodgers and Phillies play and while I always root for the Dodgers, the whole experience is a bit unpleasant.

When it became clear both teams would likely make the playoffs, I was thrilled.

When it became certain both teams would play each other in the NLCS, I was not thrilled.

I did at least try to see it as glass half full, after all, no matter the outcome, I was guaranteed to have a team I liked in the World Series.

The Dodgers last went when I was 8 and the Phillies when I was 13 and really couldn't have cared less about them.

I watched the first game in Philadelphia with my dad and had no real issues. It was strange, but I'd been there before.

It wasn't until the end of game two that I realized the years of therapy this is going to require. The Dodgers were down three runs in the top of the 9th. They had runners in scoring position with two outs. Of course I wanted them to win, but the anguished looks on the Phillies fans faces-it was horrible. Philadelphia sports fans are my people, we suffer. Our teams are terrible even when they're great.

I'm a Dodgers fan via Brooklyn, not L.A. I have nothing in common with those largely fair weather Los Angeles Dodgers fans, who come to games late and leave early. When I was a kid my cousin who's from LA and is...a Phillies fan, noted none of his friends liked the Dodgers. They all liked the A's.

That's what LA fans are generally like. There are shots of Dodgers Stadium half full in the third inning of game five. I mean come on.

I relate to the team, but not the city they play in.

In the end, the Phillies won in 5 and I took some solace in knowing they were a much better team. At least one of the two really distinguished itself, rather than it being a battle of mediocrity, leading to an ass raping by the AL in the World Series.

As I watched Nomar pop up to end the game and the Phillies pour Champagne on their heads, I sat in silence clutching the remote. I was happy for them abstractly, but personally sad for myself and even more so for my dad who I knew would take this even harder than I would.

It's been two days and I have recovered. I'm ready to root for the Phillies and pray to God they never meet the Dodgers in the playoffs again (BUT THEY DID).

I even purchased a "Why Can't Us?" shirt, but come next Wednesday day I'll still be wearing my Dodgers hat.

* Picture via 700 Level has nothing to do with anything. It's just funny. He's in a box.

Secret Girlfriend

I don't understand this "Secret Girlfriend" show on Comedy Central.

So I'm "supposed" to be the main character who has a psychotic ex-girlfriend, who keeps breaking into my home and yet and I continue to have sex with her?

This, despite the fact that at the start of the episode I meet the world's perfect woman at a liquor store-she likes football, hamburgers, beer and is very understanding.

Why does the main character keep getting back with the psycho hose beast when this incredible liquor store shopping woman clearly likes him?

And if he's supposed to be me, then why do all these models in L.A. constantly check him out?

I don't even live in L.A.

No, this show makes no sense. Is it possible I'm not stupid enough for a show driven largely by its non-stop parade of hot woman? I'm starting to think maybe I'm just too stupid.

You're My Hero If You Can Tell Me The Name Of This Song

This is perhaps the cutest thing I have ever seen and I've seen both* "Look Who's Talking" movies, so I know a thing or two about cute.

I can't get this song out of my head, but as you can see from the YouTube comments, no one seems to know what it is.

If you can tell me I'll send you a signed ORIGINAL drawing, of anything you request.

THANKS!!


*There are three

UPDATE:

Nancy has cast light on who's behind the NY Lottery Sweet Millions song. Sadly it's not a band and I can't buy it on iTunes.:

"The song was composed specifically for this ad. The composers are Andrew Feltenstein and John Nau.

http://creativity-online.com/work/ny-lotto-bunnies/17521

Feltenstein and Nau's studio is called "Beacon Street Studio" and you can see many more examples of their work here:

http://www.beaconstreetstudio.com/"

Thanks Nancy!

Cuddle Monster

Animal News #5565 - Polar Bears Are Taking No Prisoners

I don't even know where to begin with Polar Bears this week. They. Are. Killing. It. And I ain't talking about bearded seals. First, we have wonderful news from Berlin that Knut is finally shacked up with a lady, after doubting jerk zookeepers called him a publicity whore who would never never know the pleasure of a womans touch. Gianna, a little 3 year old Italian hottie was loaned to the Berlin zoo earlier this week to keep Knut company. They were introduced for the first time two days ago.

"It was very friendly and peaceful," said chief keeper Heiner Kloes after the 90-minute date. "As expected, Knut was quite shy," but his new partner took the initiative, he added.

Guess you might call this the axis of cuteness.

Here's Gianna, and she's quite the looker. Bedroom eyes, downy white fur, a little junk in the trunk, just what Knut had in mind, i'm sure.



Here's an old favorite picture of klein Knut from back in the day.



Our little boy is a man now. Sob...

And then we have this - The Greatest Thing Ever. Not the best exploding space polar bear cartoon, not even just the best hockey team intro but THE GREATEST THING EVER. Find me something better than this - I'll give you all my beanie babies.



Annnnd, here is a picture of a baby pygmy hippo chowing down on some salad.



Pygmy hippos are weird. I can't wrap my head around such tiny versions of huge animals. Its like mini doberman pincers, or that guy from Blues Traveler who isn't fat anymore. It just isn't right.

Whiskey Makes the Strangers All Look Good

When I was like 12, I had this "Gin Blossoms" album, which I played over and over again.

I still like it.

One song was called "29" and the lyrics went "At 29, you'd think I'd know better than living like a kid" etc.

And I remember thinking: "Fuck, 29. That's so far away. I'm gonna be old and settled and all that shit by then." I cursed a lot when I was 12.

Well I'm 29 now and I'm definitely closer to living like a kid. It's weird.

On the plus side, the National have a song about meeting your dream girl at 29, so glass half full!

All the Gold I Can Eat

So I was watching "Lord of the Rings" and Saruman, one of the bad guys is all like:

"Blah, blah, blah, me and this other bad guy will soon rule the world of men." And so forth.

Here's the thing: I get that for some people power is seductive, but the dude lives with orcs and goblins and weird forest people with terrible teeth. He spends most of his time on top of a tower without guard rails, which honestly just seems unsafe.

Nary a hot chick, a full mug of cold ale or a delicious leg of roasted lamb in sight.

What on earth is the point of ruling if you can't enjoy the finer things in life? I feel fairly confident if I went to homeless alley down in Prospect Park, I could create for myself a similar life style to Saruman's.

Toby's a bit like an orc.

Happy-Go-Lucky

I watched that movie last night.

I'm not sure I got it.

Was internal affairs in on it all along?

Authentic Brooklyn

I've never been shy about my general disdain for Anthony Bourdain-that rhymes and you know it.

While I generally enjoy his show when he focuses on food, I think he's a pretentious jackass, who's full of shit and usually waxes about all sorts of insane philosophical nonsense. Stick to food.

However, upon seeing how phony Adam Richman is, I think my impression of Bourdain has risen somewhat.

This has little to do with that, but last night I was watching the episode of "No Reservations", where self-proclaimed New Yorker Bourdain explores the five boroughs he admits he knows almost nothing about. Pretty shameful, but hey, he owns up to it.

However, the part of the show that really, really stuck in my craw was when Bourdain and former New York Times $25 and Under writer Peter Meehan, were eating at Marlow and Sons in Williamsburg, a critically acclaimed, locavore, blah, blah etc restaurant. Bourdiain asks Meehan what the "phony" part of Brooklyn is? To which Meehan, not missing a beat, replies "Park Slope."

Ok, I get it and I hate the creepy "mom brigade" stuff as much as anyone.

But come on dude. You are in Williamsburg, perhaps the phoniest place in the universe, eating at a yuppy/hipster organic, free range, restaurant. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to afford to eat there too, but I'm not going to claim I'm having some holier than thou "authentic" experience.

Besides the obvious fact, that when it comes to neighborhoods and the related, the whole notion of "authenticity" is total bullshit anyway. Things evolve, people and tastes change. Except it.

As a further aside on Bourdain, you could see just how much he was talking out of his ass, when he was eating tacos in Brooklyn at Hermanos. Upon noting the double tortillas, he claims you don't find this anywhere in NY. I concur with his belief that what most Americans eat is not real Mexican food. But I can think of TWO Mexican places right here in, wait for it, Park Slope, where I can get tacos identical to the ones he was eating with such "authentic" fillings as tongue and veal brain.

A little research couldn't hurt.

Why You Wanna Break My Heart?

On Saturday some friends and I attended the filming of "Man Vs Food" Brooklyn.

Fellow fan and food friend, Erin blogged about this much better than I ever could, so I will post her link here.

She also made a very nice video.

Most of us will likely be in the episode in some capacity-Ben, Erin and Meredith were in the "press conference", and I use that term loosely.

Meredith and I made signs, which now that I know Adam Richman, the host, is kinda a jerk, I feel a little dirty about. But I still do love the show...

First Sandy Koufax was rude when I was eight and now this. Unexpectedly, NY Yankee, Joba Chamberlain was very nice.

Did you know "reality" TV is not real? I'll admit, I was a little surprised at how staged a show such as this is.

I won't give away who wins, man or food, but in the future I may be rooting for food.

On the bright side, we got some free wings.

Sophie's Choice

AT&T's security questions?

Who was your childhood best friend?

What was the name of your favorite childhood pet?

Kinda harsh AT&T no? Why I gots ta choose?

Shampoo, Shampooing

Last Night I Dreamed...

That my dad embarrassed me in front of Alicia Silverstone.

No, I had not been watching "Clueless" the night before.*



*But I wish I had. Toby, remember when we were 20 and you brought Clueless home and it was the one source of light and happiness in our otherwise, bleak, one room, 400 degree, racist, misery box of an apartment? That was a good night.

RIP Chanel, Pride of Long Island

Another beloved celebrity left us this week. Chanel, the world's oldest dog has died at the age of 21. A resident of Port Jefferson, the town next to the one I grew up in, I always hoped to catch a glimpse of Chanel taking a walk in one of her smart sweater and glasses combinations, but sadly never did. Maybe her career wasn't as impressive and revolutionary as some of the other people who died this summer (Bea Arthur, i'm looking in your direction) but she was an inspiration to aging dogs around the world, and she will be missed.

And, on the lighter side - Hyperactive Dogs Ruin the News

Maybe this is about YOU

This is New York City, like the city of New York. In that city!

"Accidentally on Purpose"=Stupid, Stupid

I'm too mad to bother with details, but this terrible Jenna Elfman crap, "Accidentally on Purpose" is a total, and shitty ripoff of "Knocked Up."

Accept instead of stoner dude gets hot girl out of his league pregnant, he gets Jenna Elfman pregnant.

Zing!

They made a pathetic attempt to change some minor elements, but seriously, for the love of christ guys.

I'm Not?

They Have to Be

The Future Mrs. Josh

If I play NIN there's a chance we can have sex. I like those odds!

Our wedding is set for June.

I'm Batman

Commercials

District 9

I think I'd like to Illustrate Children's Books

Based largely on the kind of drawings I do for the birthday cards I make and the occasional comments of some recipients.

I wonder how I'd go about doing that.

Seth?

That House Bunny movie...

Sure has a lot of boob punching.

Also, is the Oliver character supposed to still be in college? 'Cause that'd be weird.

And they don't really address that chick being pregnant.

Additionally the girl from "Superbad" seems to be channeling Jonah Hill's acting, plus why'd she like that dude?

Am I analyzing "House Bunny"? Yes. I'll do that.

"Varsity Blues" is a metaphor for Communism.

True fact. I can prove it.

Brooklyn

Cape Cod Trip

Five Guys in Park Slope has a sign asking customers not leave their restaurant with peanuts. This is to prevent the peanuts from coming within contact of those allergic.

I want to blame Five Guys for being insane, but you know this is the direct work of some looney Park Slope parents worried about their precious little snow flakes.

Oh Park Slope.

Shark Week, Breaking My Heart in Two

I was just watching an episode of Shark Week-"Man Vs Fish", where a guy takes a Nantucket sleigh ride in a kayak with an Alaskan Salmon shark playing the role of the whale.

At the end of the segment, they release two sharks and keep two sharks to later eat.

Hey Shark Week, what the FUCK?

I don't want to see people killing sharks, are you out of your fucking minds?

I'm going to write you a letter later.

Person I don't like

Douche in sandals skate boarding down the middle of the running path in the wrong direction.

Person I do like:

Girl whose dog wrapped her up in his leash.

Funnies People

I saw "Funny People" Sunday night. Don't you be fooled by the haters, while long, this movie was hysterical and awesome.

One aspect of the film that I found especially interesting was observing the transition from being a normal poor joe to being rich and famous. One character played by Jason Schwartzman stars on the crappy show "Yo Teach." He still lives with his aspiring comedian wannabe friends played by Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, both just on the cusp of success. He's basically a star now, but he has maybe a shoe lace in his old life.

All three actors are obviously famous. Rogen's been Judd Apatow's muse since the late 90s and Schwarztman comes from a Hollywood family, so normality was never really a factor in his life.

Hill on the other hand was basically plucked from obscurity. Rogen may have struggled for years, but he was on TV. Hill really does know what it's like to go in a blink from being some dude, to being a celebrity.

Again, this is not what the movie's about, but something about this transition-one day you're a normal human being and the next as Schwartman's character notes, people are kissing your ass all the time.

How do you stany grounded when people magically start pretending you're so special? Adam Sandlers' character, the megastar with everything who has nothing, acquires women to sleep with like Toby collects knishes. He's just some lonely guy, but his celebrity effects people in a very weird and disturbing way.

Also there are a lot of great dick jokes in this movie, go see it!

My mouthwash has awfully specific directions

Use after brushing teeth with tooth paste. With huh? I see...

Phaal Curry Monster

Last night some friends and I went to the Brick Lane Curry house on Curry Row. They're an excellent restaurant known for their delicious, British style curries. But three of us were not there for deliciousness, or even mild pleasantries. We were there to take the Phaal Curry Challenge-Phaal being one of the hottest, if not the hottest curry in the world.

Made with ten to twelves chiles, this curry is so hot the chef has to wear a gas mask while preparing it. This is true.

To describe it as spicy I think is misleading; it's more like weird numbing/prickly/coughy pain. It was also very hot temperature wise, which for someone who drinks their coffee near room temperature, was a problem.

Liking spicy food I don't think matters much. To win you need to be insane and willing to tolerate pain for a free beer, a picture on the restaurant's website and the above certificate.

So how'd we do?

Toby ordered it with tofu, which he suggests, Dan got it with chicken which seemed to displease him greatly and I got it with vegetables, which I do NOT recommend.

Tobs, who barely spoke while we waited for our food, so zen-like was his state, had probably eaten 75% of his curry before Dan and I were even half way through.

It doesn't take long for your body and every nerve in it, to say stop eating, which is why the vegetable curry was such a poor choice. When everything tastes like ashy death, something with the consistency of say eggplant is just foul.

We all won-Dan somehow rallied and finished first, followed closely by Tobs. They both were nursing their free beers when I put the last forkfull of cruel weirdness in my gullet.

How to win:

I don't recommend mixing it with the rice, it's just more food to eat. Part of the challenge is this is just a lot of curry, spicy or not.

Do drink water. People say not to when eating spicy foods, but it helps the food go down your throat faster and this is so beyond spicy, that water isn't going to make a difference one way or the other.

Ignore Brian's taunts.

Claire took many pictures which are below.

Here is the link from Man vs Food, where he makes it look pretty easy.




This is either me getting my certificate or the waiter agreeing I had finished my curry.

Isn't eating death curry of death funny? Mah, mah, mah.

Dan's last bite.


Tobs fancilly reveals that he is done.